Winners of the 2006 ‘Golden Bulls Awards’ for Gobbledegook

December 20, 2006 | 2 Comments

The votes have been counted and the winners announced for the Plain English Campaign’s 2006 ‘Golden Bulls Awards’, in recognition of outstanding achievements in gibberish and gobbledegook.

This year’s competition has been one of the hardest fought yet. Politicians, public offices and legal departments have been pulling out all the stops in their efforts to produce the most convoluted, indecipherable attempts at communication.

The judges are believed to have been impressed by the level, and volume, of jargon and claptrap they encountered. It was apparent that no government department were prepared to give an inch in their efforts to win this year’s prestigious competition.

But unfortunately there can only be a few winners.

Always a strong performer, the Institute of Fiscal Studies entered with this concise sentence:

“While the literature on nonclassical measurement error traditionally relies on the availability of an auxiliary dataset containing correctly measured observations, this paper establishes that the availability of instruments enables the identification of a large class of nonclassical nonlinear errors-in-variables models with continuously distributed variables.”

But regional councils traditionally make a strong showing; this year was no exception.

Fife Council gained plaudits from the judges for this pithy handling of bin collection timetables:

“It has been brought to our attention that due to changes made to your grey household wastes bin collection dates within your new calendar. Your bin will be emptied week beginning the 20th March 2006, then next collection would not be until the week beginning the 10th April 2006. Thus having to wait 3 weeks for collection.

Therefore we are to provide a normal collection on your normal collection day, week starting the 3rd April and again on your new collection date, week starting the 10th April then there after every 2 weeks.”

Not to be outdone, Eastleigh Borough Council provided a poignant example of the masses of unfathomable notices sent out every year:

“Hereby in accordance with the provision of the Building Act 1984, Section 32 declares that the said plans shall be of no effect and accordingly the said Act and the said Building Regulations shall as respects the proposed work have effect as if no plan had been deposited.”

But the trophy awaited with the most baited breath was the highly contested ‘Foot in the Mouth’ award. Only the most inadvertently ambiguous or clumsy orators could hope to win such an accolade.

Previous winners have included Boris Johnson MP, Richard Gere and Donald Rumsfeld. Anybody short listed in such highbrow company should consider their verbal skills honoured.

This year’s recognition for services to public speaking was awarded to supermodel Naomi Campbell for her innocuous comment:

“I love England, especially the food. There’s nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.”

She is rumoured to have said this without a hint of irony, but was unavailable to elaborate or to receive her award.

And so another year closes in this showcase of the country’s finest scribes.Delegates from the regional Councils, Office of Fiscal Studies and County Courts are now all off to the after party.

Once returned from their Christmas break they will be back hard at work composing their submissions for next year’s competition. I have little doubt there will, yet again, be a steady stream of gobbledegook and claptrap to keep the judges amused for another year.

Posted by Matt Ambrose | Filed Under Copywriting 

Five Things You Didn’t Know About Matt Ambrose

December 18, 2006 | 3 Comments

This viral campaign seems to be spreading like wildfire – I just hope I can find 5 bloggers to pass it on to who haven’t already been caught! I was tagged by Walter Burek from the Inklings blog.

  1. I’m a keen golfer and try and get out as much as I can. Am I any good? Put it this way – I buy my golf balls in bulk.
  2. I’m named after my great Grandfather who was the Mayor of Rochdale and an MP. This could explain why I’m always getting on my political soapbox after a few too many ales.
  3. A small scar on my right hand is from slipping whilst opening a tin of baked beans. Serves me right for using a knife instead of a tin opener.
  4. I was told by my doctor that I’m double jointed in my shoulders, but I have yet to develop any contortionist party tricks. Supposed to help me play racket sports though.
  5. I earn a second income by playing online blackjack. So far I have a system which works. Unfortunately its no longer going to be of any use to my US readers.

I think Ill now pass this on to Mark White from Better Business Blogging, Judy Cullins at Professional Marketing Coach, Patricia Skinner at Freelance Writers Manifesto, Easton Ellsworth at Business Blogwire and Deborah Ng at Freelance Writing Jobs.

I just hope I can get to them in time!

Posted by Matt Ambrose | Filed Under About 

Why Business People Need to Learn How To KISS

December 13, 2006 | 2 Comments

The latest research suggests that business people are struggling to communicate or express themselves properly. This breakdown isn’t due to office politics, or a lack of group hugs, but rather their inability to clearly put into words what it is they want to say. To overcome this they need to learn how to KISS better. They need to know how to ‘Keep it Short and Simple.’

A research study by ‘Emphasis’, a business writing consultancy, has suggested that many employees now struggle to write in a manner which people can understand. The ‘inability or reluctance to use plain English’, and enthusiasm for the thesaurus, is creating masses of incomprehensible business documents.

Emphasis CEO, Robert Ashton, commented:

“A major issue is the popular misconception that long words and elaborate phrases are a sign of superior intellect or professionalism, but people are inundated with documents to read…people don’t want to have to translate complicated words and phrases; they just want to get to the point.”

Trying to sound clever and using corporate claptrap and marketing mush achieves little more than confuse your reader, or give the impression that you have something to hide. People have had enough of ambiguous language and sales spiel.

Adopting the KISS methodology should not just be about swapping long words for shorter ones, but also about applying transparency and honesty to the way that you communicate. This means throwing ‘hit the ground running’, ‘solutions’ and ‘excellence’ in the cliché sin bin.

The problem in the UK is that the literacy problem is more serious than merely shelving your marketing phrase book. Many believe we are actually heading into a writing skills crisis.

A CBI report on workplace skill levels found that:

“In virtually every organisation contacted, senior managers reported that many employees find it difficult or impossible to produce written work.”

Businesses are now being forced to run remedial classes and rely on templates for correspondence, not trusting their staff to be able to write an adequate letter on their own.

Even our future dynamos from the universities are being criticized in another new report. ‘Writing Matters’ by a team of professional writers has attacked students for not being able to write decent English, ‘follow a logical train of thought or present a reasoned argument.’ It would appear that the lack of traditional grammar teaching in schools is starting to impact the competency of our workforce.

Writing to a good standard is not just about communicating clearly, but about demonstrating your own aptitude and that you actually have something to say. There can be nothing less appealing than an incomprehensible newsletter filled with punctuation errors. Prospects will simply unsubscribe and regard your company, on the whole, as being incompetent.

Business people might need to learn how to KISS to improve their writing, but it would appear that future generations have a lot more to learn as well.

Posted by Matt Ambrose | Filed Under Copywriting 

Blowing The Lid On The $1 Copywriting Racket

December 6, 2006 | 4 Comments

The internet has created a global marketplace in which products and services can be procured from anywhere in the world. Small businesses now have access to skilled freelancers and service providers globally. You no longer have to rely on your local area to find talented professionals for your projects.

Nowhere has the growth of the global marketplace been felt more acutely then in the freelance writers market. Freelance writers are now competing with each other on a global scale. The problem is that many seem to be prepared to work for a pittance.

If you look on Craigslist, getafreelancer.com or any other writer’s job site you will find companies paying as low as $1 for a 500 word article, and plenty of freelancer copywriters prepared to work for such a low rate. The mind boggles at how a freelance writer from any country could survive on such an income. To research and write a 500 word article takes me hours – or maybe I’m just slow?

A couple of freelance writers have had enough and are starting a protest movement. Their manifesto is being composed as we speak; they are already calling for fellow freelancers to join their cause. The campaign’s aim is to create some sort of agreed pay structure for freelance writers and put pressure on those writing for $1 to pump up their fees.

Whether the campaign will have any success remains to be seen – as long as some writers are prepared to write for virtually nothing then businesses are quite happy not to pay.

Am I alarmed by some of the miniscule fees being paid? Not really because I don’t believe they are even writing 500 words for $1. It simply wouldn’t be economically viable for anybody to provide original content for such a low rate.

After a bit of delving it would appear that my suspicions were well founded, and that some SEO companies have been interpreting the term ‘copy-writer’ in a novel new way.

Michael Pedone is a freelance copywriter and in a post he highlights the work (or lack of it) that goes into these $1 articles.

An unnamed SEO company advertises their copywriting service as “a team of experienced content writers who are trained in writing quality search engine optimised content.”

The same unnamed SEO Company does, however, describe this service in slightly different terms when approaching new writers:

“Writing the content is simply a case of cutting and pasting different bits of information, whilst adhering to a few easy rules such as beginning each opening sentence with a keyword etc, it is not necessary to have a journalism background, anybody can do it.”

It looks like $1 buys little more than a few quick searches on Google, uplifting the content and bashing in a few keywords. The internet has created a marketplace for thieves to steal other peoples’ sweat and tears, and simply repackage it as their own.

This practice not only disrespects the hard work of writers worldwide. But also means businesses are paying for substandard content which has cost the SEO Company virtually nothing to acquire.

Your content is the most important element of your website as only your words will engage with visitors and endear them to buy your products or services. Filling your web pages with plagiarized material will simply damage your credibility, and seriously hamper your website’s ability to create sales.

Over time this irresponsible practice should become more widely identified as these $1 articles start being discovered by their original authors. It won’t be difficult to expose those who continue to steal from conscientious, hard working freelance writers. Eventually these unscrupulous SEO companies should be forced to pay a fair rate for original material, or risk losing clients.

My advice to fellow freelance copywriters is to spread the word on this damaging practice, and hopefully we can break this $1 copywriting racket once and for all!

Posted by Matt Ambrose | Filed Under Copywriting